Been too long

Man it's been too long since I've posted on here and I don't even know if any of my friendly followers still check to see if I've added anything new (hint- leave comments ;0)

Anyways, things have continued to be crazy around here. Robb's been working nights with a crazy schedule but that will be coming to an end very soon THANK GOD! On Sept 5 he will be starting a job with a local broadband/cable company and he's so thrilled. Not only will he be back to something he enjoys doing but making good money again and working Monday - Friday 8-5. What a concept, have good job, good hours and get time with the family ;-)



On other note, I've been struggling with some past history that Robb and I share. Something that he isn't comfortable talking about, in fact we haven't spoken about the incident really since it occured and it eats at me to this day and it has been 8 1/2 years. Hard to believe it has been that long and that it's so fresh in my memory. I don't want to get into details because it is so personal and I feel like it's not fair to share with other people if I can't even speak with my own husband about it. The circumstances just weren't what I would have ever imagined occuring in my life but they did and well it's history I guess you could say, just doesn't feel like it.

How do people ever get over things that stay so "raw" to them? I don't have the answers. In fact there are a lot of things in my life I don't have the answers too. I write a seperate blog that only Robb reads and I ponder things there as well. Recently I wrote about questions that run through my mind on a regular basis.

• Why am I the way I am? Why do I hold onto things for so long?
  
• Am I normal sexualy? I sure feel like an outsider in the female race
  
• Why does he love me? And why does he find me attractive? I've not been able to lose this damn baby weight since Noelle was born but he still finds me attractive. I don't even find myself attractive! If only I could lose the weight.
• Why can't I lose this weight when I work out like crazy and don't eat that unhealthy?
• Will I ever get to mother another child?

Well there are more questions but I won't bore you with them. Like I said I don't have answers just more and more questions all the time. In fact one of them is actually why do I think about shit like this so much?

Lonely, wishing my hubby was home, but alas he is at work, only another week and a half of nights all alone sleeping in a cold bed by myself. I really wish I had friends close by too. The one person who I feel I have connected with on such a level lives so damn far away. I also fear that with lifes current circumstances that we are drifting. I hate that. There must be something wrong with me that I don't have any friends near by. Someday I plan to ask this friend of mine if there is something about me that makes it easier to be a friend from a far than close by, there has to be some explaination. Either I'm just a crappy friend, freaky person or just have bad luck. No I'm not drunk, I haven't had a drop of alcohol, just loathing in self pity.